Eulogy for Grammy
Saturday Evening Outpost — Vivian Ruth Stout Haynes
This eulogy follows a series of five stories I wrote about our beloved Grammy. They can be found here on Medium.
Born October 26th, 1915 — Left the Planet March 30th, 2021
Love is an incredible thing. It is an idea. It is a feeling. It can be confusing and complicated. It can beautifully simple. It is often imperfect and often, it can feel like perfection. In its perfect form, it is unconditional.
Love can bring us pure joy, and it can cause us unimaginable pain. It is born of emotion but it can only blossom by action. And the most glorious and profound thing about love is that it belongs to EACH ONE OF US.
We get to create it. We get to define it. We get to feel it. And, we get to live IN it…if we allow ourselves to do so. Whatever and whoever we wrap our love around becomes a unique piece of our being. And, we become a part of those who wrap their love around us. It is the most precious and incredible gift.
Vivian Ruth Stout Haynes lived in that love. It was her gift to us. And here we all are! A family filled with a lifetime — a very long lifetime — of love.
She sought it, she worked for it, she created it, she shared it and she left it all to us. In her life, she wrapped her love around all of us in so many different ways and we are undeniably better because of it. We are more beautiful because of it. We are more loving and kind and generous. We are a family that raises each other up, a family who celebrates life with the joyful chaos and infectious laughter that fills our gatherings. We are a family who never gives up on each other.
Because that was the kind of love we learned from her.
She touched each of our lives in ways that will always belong to us, and will always be there for us. Sometimes we’ll find it in the words of her favorite song or the scent of her favorite spring flowers. We’ll remember it when our dogs bark…or beg. We’ll remember it when new babies arrive and when it’s time for our little birds to leave the nest. We’ll remember it when we eat “speakgetti,” have a “hamburg” or listen to the “pianna,” or play poker or when someone gets a “permnet.” We’ll remember it when we eat “homemade” chocolate chip cookies from a roll of store-bought cookie dough. We’ll remember it when we decide to have popcorn, or ice cream…or a “wiener”…for dinner. We’ll remember it when someone critiques our hairstyle, or suggest our clothes don’t match, or says things like…” that’s what you're wearing?” Or, “if you are going to have her hair THAT short, you should let her wear earrings…”
And, hopefully, we’ll remember her love the most when we hold each other’s hand or hug each other…she was so very good at those things.
I often think about how she loved to tell the story of how she and grandpa met, how beguiling she was and determined and what a dickens and a charmer he could be. And how she knew, from the very minute she laid eyes on him, that she’d be with him forever. He was her “it.” He was her North Star. He was her Red. Their life together, in so many ways, taught me the strength of together. It gave me the fortitude to be a strong individual. In them I found the unwavering belief in love and the absolute determination to find bliss and to hold on to it…
A piece of their bliss was their two daughters, Cindy and Sandy, who they raised to be incredible women. When Grandpa passed away they rallied around their mother, so that she never felt alone. Mom moved in with Grandma and together they create a life and a home that always welcomed their family, no matter when they show up or why they showed up. Sometimes they were the Odd Couple and sometimes they were the Golden Girls. But, they were always, always there for each other.
Aunt Sandy took such care of Grammy, taking her shopping and out for meals. Uncle Dick would always stealthily arrive at the crack of dawn to snow blow their drive.
There were so many little things they’d do that weren’t really the little things. They were all the things that mattered.
When Grammy started to get to that age when, well age happens… I don’t know I think it was like 90ish! You know, just coming out of her spry years…both her daughters found ways to make her life not just good, but full. Birthday celebrations and festive family holidays and meals at Berry’s or Bob Evans…or McD’s ribs or chicken nuggets or vanilla shakes!
The love they gave her always, but even more so in the last decade of her life was beyond extraordinary. It was because of you, Mom, and Aunt Sandy, that we got to have her in our lives for so long. She just loved you so damned much she didn’t want to leave.
You both are like her you know, in so many ways. You are kind, generous, loving, and sensitive. You are always sharing and you are always giving. You are both the perfect Grandmas…
And let’s not leave any elephants sitting in the middle of the room. Sometimes you can be feisty and sassy and stubborn and ornery…JUST LIKE HER.
We can never, ever thank you enough for all that you were to her, and for all that you did for her. I know in the deepest place in my heart that if she could have told you both how much you meant to her before she left us, I know she would have. I know she cherished every moment with you. Even when at times, it was hard to tell. And I know without a doubt that she would have told you that you were everything she had ever hoped you would be. You were the daughters, the mothers, and the strong women she raised and was so proud of. I know she would have told you she was so lucky to have you both, to have your love.
To my sister and her husband and their kids, to my brother’s and their wives and their kids, to our sweet Aunt Betty, to her adopted children, Marv and Zanne — you were all part of an amazing support system that made her life so special, so complete and I honor you.
She got the chance to relish in the joy of her great-grandchildren and her great, great-grandchildren. They would always, without hesitation, bring the most amazing smile to her face. I am forever grateful for that.
How lucky she was to have all of you, to have your love.
My incredible husband made sure I got to be here for Grammy. His heart broke knowing that logistics would make it impossible for him to get back here in time to be with us. But he is always here in my heart and I know in all of yours, too. He and our hound, Jasper drove me to the airport. The drive felt so surreal. As we sat in silence he reached out to hold my hand. I immediately thought of Grammy and Gramps, who seemed to always be holding hands. I always loved that. Our hearts were aching together. He never imagined he’d ever experience the joy of having a third grandma. One who embraced him immediately with her love, and he embraced her back…for over 20 years.
I didn’t need to say anything to him, but I did. I needed to say something. You see, I know she lived a long and often wonderful life. I know that she was 105 ½… So, in ways we all can understand, I am happy her spirit was set free.
But love has no age.
And her love…that she wrapped around me, and the love I wrapped around her…that was a piece of my being. That was a piece of my soul. And when she left, it left too.
And I missed her. It was all that I could think of. I just missed her so. And I know I will miss her with that ache of love lost for the rest of my life.
Know that in her last hours, she was surrounded by love. Our incredible family was by her side. She heard us. I am sure! And with the gentle whispers of love and let go…we said farewell.
She walked on air
I swear
Down perfect-carpet stairs
In slacks crisp white and blouse to pair
Her shoes bespoke her secret flair
Her eyes the sky her smile aware
Red nails of glamour none compare
Oh perfect curled her golden hair
Her neck bejeweled not fine but bright
Sweet-scented rose perfume delight
Oh little boy run now take flight
run little legs with all their might
into her bosom
into her light
All was there
no more I need
Tears and fears and woes were freed
Laughter and tickles and kisses
Yes, please!
Manners learned then sweet rewards
A crystal dish her candy store
Down the staircase pop galore
Still hungry honey have some more
Black olive fingers on little stinkers
Hide and seek eyes closed no cheaters
Peonies picked and packed with ants
Fragrant lilacs and pansy plants
Never pillows on the floor
Never ever feeling bored
Never a toy they wouldn’t afford
when we implored
Toasted Wonder butter smothered
Dunked in coffee have another
Scotty Terrier Tammy snaps
Sweet dreams sublime on Davenport naps
Brick house aglow with table lamps
A snoring-sweetly-sitting Gramps
Two love-birds swinging holding hands
Her sun sets now ablaze undone
A world we shared not old not young
Her witty, zany, laughter, fun
Her crackled voice in songs we sung
The haunting sad of not among
And so much more I’ve just begun!
This little boy just can’t be done!
Come home says Grammy
no need to run
She walked on air
I swear
Her light and love my heart’s repair
And I
will always
see her there
Auther’s Note: This eulogy follows a series of five stories about Grammy. The first story in that series can be found here — https://saturdayeveningoutpost.medium.com/saturday-evening-outpost-9ab90357328a
